Today is Julian’s 13th Angelversary. Does that make me an expert on grief? Sometimes it sure feels like it. But if you asked me to summarize my experience of grief and what’s important about moving forward after loss, I’d point you to the work of contemporary Scottish poet Donna Ashworth.
Her latest book Wild Hope (buy it!) includes many poems that touch on the painful and hopeful sides of loss, but this one is my favorite. In just one paragraph, she captures so many of the key things I’ve learned about grief in these 13 years:
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LOVE CAME FIRST by Donna Ashworth
You don’t move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now, peacefully. If you let her. And on the days when your anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember. Grief came to you, my friend, because love came first. Love came first.
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Sometimes, we need a poet to tell us something as counterintuitive as, “You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort.”
We read that, and we want to resist! We think, surely the poet isn’t talking to us, the bereaved? Wait… we’re being asked to offer comfort to our grief?” Yes, says the poet. Yes, says the 13-year-bereaved mom.
Yes, that is what we must do. Not because grief needs our comfort, but because we need to stop fighting it in order to heal. We must acknowledge that grief lives with us now. We can dwell in our sadness, or we can move forward with this loss into a hopeful future. We can wallow in what’s lost, or we can celebrate the love we had.
Sometimes, we need a poet to help us remember what’s most important: we feel grief because we first felt LOVE. “Grief came to you, my friend, because love came first. Love came first.”
creating “new normal” 
Anonymous
March 3, 2024 at 6:56 pm
Emily, this is so beautiful! You, John, and Oscar have done a wonderful job of moving forward into a hopeful and incredible future. And you three are amazing in celebrating the love you had while Julian was on this planet, and now while he is in heaven and the rest of us are still on earth. Your love for Julian and for each other continues to grow. We are extremely grateful for you and our family, and love you all so very much!!!!
Love, Mom and Dad🩷💕
Anonymous
March 4, 2024 at 10:18 am
This is a beautiful poem and a valuable lesson. Thank you for sharing this and know that I am sending a virtual hug. -Karen H-J
Anonymous
March 4, 2024 at 3:10 pm
You have all done an amazing job of keeping your love for Julian a part of your daily lives, and we love you for that. Love, Deb and don
Emily Eaton
March 9, 2024 at 11:48 am
Thank you so much 💗
Anonymous
March 5, 2024 at 8:42 am
Such wonderful advice in that beautiful poem, Emily. Your thoughts, I’m sure, are inspiring to those who share your grief and those who have found your blog and are suffering their own loss. You have a gift for writing. I tried to imagine the loss of a child. It is unimaginable. I am wishing you countless beautiful memories, of your sweet Julian, that will carry you through till he greets you in heaven.
🩷🙏🩷.
Mickey Coppage
Emily Eaton
March 9, 2024 at 11:48 am
Thank you so much Mickey 💗
Anonymous
March 6, 2024 at 12:01 am
I found your blog a few years ago. There is a link on my phone. I visit from time to time, read your words, and find strength. I am sorry for your loss but I am grateful that you have shared Julian’s story, your story with us. Grief only a parent could understand. Poets see our hearts.