Monthly Archives: March 2016

Forgiving the unforgivable.

J-fiveIf you’ve ever had a four-year-old in your life, you know how important the fifth birthday is. The turning point from four to five is more than just a number. It’s a whole hand. It’s half way to double digits. It’s a big deal. 

Today is Julian‘s fifth Angelversary. He’s been gone a whole hand of years. And in those years, I’ve changed a lot. Things that were important to me before seem silly to me now. Things that I spend a lot of time thinking about now never crossed my mind back then.

My grief journey has taken me on many twists and turns over the past five years. And today, if I were to pick one word to describe how I feel, it is “peaceful.” It goes without saying that I would do anything to have Julian alive and healthy again. But that is not an option, and I’m at peace with that.

After five years, I now know that forgiveness is a huge part of healing. It would be easy to rage against the fact that my son got cancer. I could be filled with anger that he got an infection that his body couldn’t fight. I could hold on to resentment that the doctors couldn’t fight it either. But I don’t.

Instead, I choose to forgive the unforgivable. I forgive the doctors for failing to locate and destroy the infection in time. I forgive the infection for invading his vulnerable body in the first place. I forgive the leukemia treatment protocol that destroyed his ability to fight the infection. I forgive the cancer for taking up residence in his blood. I forgive his human body for failing to keep his soul alive.

And perhaps most importantly, I forgive my own soul for choosing this path. What I know for sure is that grieving and healing are journeys of the soul. Just like life itself is a journey of the soul. We attend this Earth School, and we do our best with the curriculum we signed up for… and I do believe we signed up for this.

Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping sums up my beliefs perfectly:

“The World of Humanity is a spiritual classroom, and life is the curriculum. Our lessons are the events that happen in life. The objective is to awaken to the truth of who we are and return home.”

This powerful book goes on to confirm,

“Life is not random. It provides for the purposeful unfoldment of our own divine plan, with opportunities to make choices and decisions in every moment…. At the soul level, we get precisely what we need in our lives for our spiritual growth. How we judge what we get determines whether we experience life as painful or joyful.”

Five years ago, I felt nothing but pain. And yet, as the earliest posts on this blog indicate, I felt an instinctual pull toward finding joy again. I wouldn’t ever have imagined that forgiveness would be such a significant part of this process. And I’m grateful for the journey that led me here.

And my to my sweet angel Julian, I say: Thank you for everything you’ve taught me. Thank you for being my my guardian angel and my soul companion. High five, little one. We’re halfway to double digits on this divine plan.


Posted by on March 3, 2016 in Angelversaries, year 5