Day Zero.

16 Feb

It wasn't just a coincidence that my mom and I were unexpectedly served a red velvet cupcake at lunch today. Red was his favorite color, and we served red velvet cake at his Celebration of Life. This was a message from him. The message was, BE ALIVE.

One year ago today was Day Zero. The “before” was over; the “after” hadn’t quite started.

One year ago today was the day that started with a quick trip to the pediatrician to get my son treated for a persistent cough, and to ask some questions about his unusual bruises. One year ago today was the day that ended with a diagnosis of leukemia.

One year ago today I drove from the pediatrician’s office to Children’s Hospital. Most of that drive, my mental mantra was, “He’s going to be ok. He’s going to be ok. He’s going to be ok.” But for one brief moment, just as downtown Minneapolis first came into sight, I remember thinking… “If Julian died, I would die. I would not be able to function. I would JUST DIE.”

One year ago today I thought I would literally die from grief if one of my children died.

But today, I am alive.

Today, thanks to Julian, I understand more about being alive than I could have even imagined a year ago. And for that, I am grateful.

One year ago today is also the day that I started Julian’s CaringBridge site. You can read about that day, and the days that followed, in my CaringBridge Journal.

Posted by on February 16, 2012 in the second six months


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11 responses to “Day Zero.

  1. Karen Hohertz-Jacobs

    February 16, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    Huge hugs…your entry gave me goosebumps for many reasons.

  2. sarjabar

    February 17, 2012 at 1:24 am

    You’ve all been on my mind…looking at the calendar and thinking of you every day especially now. You are living the unimaginable with fierce dedication to yourself and your family. I’m humbled by your strength. Not that you necessarily want to be strong, you just innately are. I love you sis. Always have, always will.

  3. Leanne (Trebilcock) Avila

    February 17, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Beautiful and heartbreaking all at once. Keep being alive. Hugs to you…

  4. Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective

    February 17, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Hugs to you from me, too…

  5. Nancy Veronen

    February 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

    It is hard to comprehend all that one year can bring. We keep moving forward putting one foot in front of another because that is what we can do! Keep writing!

  6. Anonymous

    February 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    You have taken us all on an amazing trip this past year…….You and John are beautiful and we love you. Love, and Deb and Uncle Don

  7. Darlene J Lund and Tom

    February 17, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Dear Emily, John, Oscar, Susie, Jim, and Golden Grandparents. Knowing that this time was coming up, Tom and I have been holding you up in prayer. That your year of “first’s” that has weighted heavily may soon be lifted with Julian’s red chocolate cupcake. We heard him say “…I am near, I am always here, I am with the living God who lives in your hearts today. I crossed over early, not to cause you pain or sorrow, but I am with the Father to prepare a place for you…faith and life are connected. You told me Jesus’s story and I believed; I crossed from death to life. When you stand at the gate, I will run and greet you, there will be laughter and joy, and I will lead the way to your new home in Jesus”. Julian’s little red chocolate cupcake told it all…we love you and pray for you…we are grateful for Julian’s life, we hold you dear. God bless you and rest in Jesus. Tom and Darlene

    John 5:24

  8. Lisa

    February 18, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Thinking of you and your family always! You , through Julian,inspire me to truly “live.” thank you for that! Love you!!

  9. Anne-Marie

    February 18, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Praying the blessings of God’s peace and comfort upon you all as you walk this anniversary journey of Julian’s homecoming together. May it be healing and filled with grace as you remember and celebrate what was, what is and what is to come.

  10. Anonymous

    February 18, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    You’ve been in my heart and prayers as this day came. Holding you and Julian up in His name. Misty

  11. Megan Hughes

    February 28, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Brennan and I have been looking at some photos of you all and remembering you during these next days. We will be praying for each of you- may God continue to comfort you with joy and little mercies and gifts in the form of things like red cupcakes!!! With Great Love-
    The Hugheses


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