Here it is. Six months. Some call it an “angelversary.” Or as a wise friend said recently, “I like to think of it as his birthday. His new birthday. The day he was born into whatever comes next.” I like that. Happy six-month new birthday, little one.
For me and my family, it means six months of the “after.” It’s the six-month milestone of “new normal.” In charts and graphs about grief and bereavement, it’s often the first milestone in the timeline, like this one from The Other Side of Sadness by George Bonanno (yellow highlighting is mine):
I first saw this chart, and the book that contains it, around the two-month mark. It meant so much to me to learn that science shows that bereaved people fall into one of three categories — chronic grief, recovery, and resilience. Until that point, I’d only found memoirs and books written by therapists that made it seem that most people were chronic grievers who only reached a sense of “recovery” after years of therapy and support groups (if ever).
Turns out, many of us — perhaps even most of us — fall into the “resilience” category. It’s hard for researchers to know for sure what the percentages are, because these aren’t the people writing memoirs or visiting therapists for years on end, and therefore aren’t on the radar of the therapists and grief counselors who are writing books about their work.
I wrote a lot about The Other Side of Sadness in my two-month blog post, and it seems fitting to revisit it again now. One of the most fascinating details about the scientific research described in this book is that they studied people both before and after their loss. Because of this, the researchers were able to discern the difference between someone who started displaying frequent and prolonged grief symptoms after their loss, vs. someone whose personality and outlook on life was grief-like even before the loss.
The researchers were able to identify personality traits of each group that were apparent before and after their loss. My friends and family would probably agree that the traits observed in “resilient” people sound a lot like me (and my husband, too). The research showed that resilient people are:
- flexible (can share AND suppress emotion)
- can find benefits, and believe that “the world is basically a decent place, and life is good”
- have a support system of family and friends
- are “able to evoke comforting memories of the lost loved one”
With six months behind me now, I have a new appreciation for Mr. Bonanno‘s observation that “the human inquiry into the mysteries of life and the nature of the soul is acute during bereavement. When a loved one dies, we have no choice but to face up to nearly imponderable questions…. Many of us discover, in fact, that we have found something quite profound hidden in the experience.”
I’ve now had six months of “facing up to imponderable questions.” I wholeheartedly agree that “the mysteries of life and the nature of the soul is acute during bereavement.” I’ve pondered the imponderable. I’ve inquired into the mysteries of life. I have a new understanding of what it means to be human, and what it means to be alive. If there could possibly be a silver lining to this experience, that’s it.
I’ve survived six months of the after. I’ve spent six months creating new normal. I don’t know where I’ll be in 6, 12, and 18 months from now, but I know I’m resilient. And I know my future will be filled with happiness — because I choose to make it that way.
Beth Loraine Bowman (@studioloraine)
September 3, 2011 at 4:31 pm
Thank you for sharing this, very powerful.
Kristin Zima (@kdzima)
September 3, 2011 at 6:41 pm
I thought of you and John this morning when I saw the date. I’m not sure why I remember or thought about it. It’s not like I even know your family that well, but little Julian’s story, and yours impacted me. I just work with you, but for whatever reason, I love reading your blog and hearing how you’re doing. Still praying for your continued search for the ‘new normal’ and your journey to resilience.
Darlene J Lund and Tom
September 4, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Thanks Emily, good post. I’m glad you are choosing to the high road…one never forgets, just treasures the memories vs. the sorrow. God Bless. Darlene
September 10, 2011 at 2:37 pm
Dear Emily, John and Oscar,
Thanks for sharing your lives. I am glad that you are survivors and are reaching out in this way. It’s a great road map for others. Jenella