I have skimmed, or started and abandoned, many books that talk (and talk… and talk…) about how horrible it is to lose a child. I know how hard it is. I’m living my own worst nightmare right now. But reading about the horribleness of it isn’t helpful to me.
I would have expected that, given how horrible this experience is, there must be people out there writing books and blogs about, “it’s horrible… and here is my story of how I moved forward from that experience.” But, no. Not that I’ve found so far.
I recently skimmed a book called “New Normal” (selected based on it’s title, which is obviously similar to the title of this blog). It had a section on specific losses: spouse, parent, friend, job, pet. No section on losing a child. What? The author included job and pet, but not child? At the back of the book, a Q&A section included a question about that, and the author basically said that the loss of a child was too significant to summarize in a few paragraphs. I think that was a total cop-out.
Losing a child is something that no one wants to talk, think, or write about it. But it doesn’t change the fact that there are people like me who need inspiration, motivation, and hope that the future can be better than the present.
Where are the messages of hope? What are the techniques for cherishing my son’s memories, and bringing them forward with me into a future that includes joy and happiness again?
I’m determined to find them.
May 8, 2011 at 5:11 pm
Emily it looks to me like your new “calling” might be as Educator Of Parents Who’ve Lost a Child. That’s how a lot of inventions start…necessity is the mother of invention (Confucious?). Based on your comments abut coming up empty-handed when searching for “how” to move on with your life after Julian’s death, it appears YOU are the one who will be providing OTHER people answers (this blog is a perfect stepping stone). What a powerful, powerful place to be. What a great way to channel all that energy (grief, as you know, is exhausting) YOU are paving the way for millions of mothers (John can speak for the dads) who’ve been trying to navigate this unpaved road. You’re their new GPS! (that could even stand for God Please Speak.. Go Past Sadness, Got Precious Skills, Give People Skills (for thriving), You’re super creative…you’ll figure out what G P S stands for, for YOU. I will be along for the ride.
September 28, 2013 at 8:59 am
Hi Emily, my name is Nicolo Turcoliveri Sr. and I too am a parent of an Angel. I lost my Son after only 38 days on Dec. 20,2012. One important thing I was told was that pain will never go away, and in a weird way I hope it never does. I had and still have so many questions. Through a grieving center Cornerstone of Hope and meeting other parents of an Angel I found out my thoughts and questions are the same of most parents. I have been writing down my own feelings and thoughts and would like to share with others in the hope of helping, not ease the pain(can’t be done) but just to help a mom or dad know its okay to cry and have crazy thoughts and even almost a type of survivors guilt. I would be glad to talk or help you in any way.
October 1, 2013 at 11:10 am
Nicolo, thank you for your note. That’s wonderful that you’ve been able to help others (and yourself) by writing down your own thoughts and feelings. Have you considered starting a blog? I’d love to read your work, if you ever publish it on the web.
Thanks again for reading my blog and sharing your thoughts.